


The Burden of Humanity

by Crossroads_Castiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel & Claire Novak Friendship, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Claire Ships It, Crowley Ships it, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Injured Castiel, M/M, Newly Human Castiel, Regretful Dean, Sam Ships It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-12 13:46:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9074536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crossroads_Castiel/pseuds/Crossroads_Castiel
Summary: Castiel's Grace is failing him and he is prepared to die, but Dean, Sam, and Crowley won't let that happen. Human Castiel confronts Dean about their sordid past, misdeeds done, and promises that were broken. Can forgiveness be found before it's too late?





	1. The Burden of Divinity

**Author's Note:**

> YES. I use the shortened version, Cass vs. Cas, since it is the canonically written way. I understand not everyone likes or wants to read fics with it spelled that way, so fair warning XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I uploaded this a bit groggy so don't detail and fixes May be added tomorrow.

Castiel’s own Grace was failing him. It had been happening for over a year now and Cass had not felt the need to mention it to Sam and Dean. The Winchesters had noticed the Angel’s changing personality but neither knew how to bring it up or what to say. Dean believed Castiel would have hidden it until he burned out but he passed out in the Bunker suddenly one evening without warning as they were seated around the kitchen table. Sam and Dean carried him to Dean’s bedroom, the closest, and hovered nearby until he awoke, confused. Cass squinted up at the brothers from flat on his back. “Dean? Sam? What happened?”

Sam leaned over him, his dark locks partially obscuring the worry in his face. “You passed out, Cass. What’s going on?”

Castiel sighed and shrugged noncommittally. “Nothing that you two can help with….it’s just my Grace.”

“But you got your grace back…what’s wrong with it now?” Dean sounded almost annoyed at the fact and Cass turned his head away and sighed at the unintended harshness in Dean's tone. He was such a burden to the two brothers.

Cass drug his eyes up to meet Dean and Sam's. “There was only a fraction of my Grace remaining and every time I use it, it dwindles more. I will eventually…burn away. Lucifer burned through it quite ruthlessly as well… I have accepted my fate. I don’t wish to bring more trouble upon you both…I just…wanted to be with my friends until the time comes. It was selfish of me to come here.” Sam glanced at Dean as Castiel finally spoke the truth and the pain that crossed Dean’s face was immeasurable until he got control of it. 

“What about removing your Grace?” Sam suggested quietly as Cass was wracked with a coughing fit, turning pale. 

“It would make me human, and I am useless to you both as a human. I would only encumber you and I will not make a nuisance of myself. It’s better this way. I no longer desire the burden of Divinity. I have long overstayed my usefulness and I believe this time, my Father will let me go though I do not know my fate. Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, or the Empty. I suspect the Reapers grow tired of my resurrections as well, and will send me to the Empty.” Castiel knew he was rambling at that point but his brain was addled with weariness. 

Dean's voice held a sharp edge of disbelief and contained anger. There was fear too, but not enough for Sam or Cass to pick up on. “So, what, you’re just going to let yourself die?”

Castiel attempted to sit up, struggling to prop up against the headboard. “There is no fixing it this time, Dean, and I know you’ve both grown weary of cleaning up my messes. I’m tired.”

Dean crossed his arms over the chest, and tilted his chin, scowling fiercely. A lesser man would have cowered under that gaze. “Well boo-fucking-hoo. Sam and I are tired too. I accepted my fate with the Mark but neither of you would give up on me and I’m not giving up on you.”

Castiel gave his friend the look, that look that begged him to listen. “Dean...please, don’t waste your time.”

“You’re not a waste of time, Cass. You’re our family…” Sam said from behind Dean, a look of displeasure on his own face, but not as stern as Dean. There was sympathy there. 

“I only hurt my family. The Angels hate me and you two…” Castiel was wracked with a seizure then, his body arching off the bed painfully, his body shaking the mattress as his head cracked against the head board, and then all was darkness.  
\--------------------------  
When Castiel came to he couldn’t move his arms. He tugged on them and they remained steadfastly immobile. His eyes cracked open to see Dean frowning above him. Castiel said nothing, but his eyes swam with unspoken words he would never say lest it bring more pain.

“Cass…You had a seizure. You gotta listen to reason before there’s nothing left of you to save man.” Dean pleaded, the harshness from earlier washed away and the raw need in his eyes shining through. 

Cass tried to move his arms again and looked up to see them shackled tightly with Enochian handcuffs attached to brackets on the wall. “What are you doing?”

Dean bit his lip as he frowned, glancing at the cuffs. “We’re saving you whether you want us to or not. It’d make it easier if you’d agree to it…”

“There is nothing here to save!” Castiel became frantic, pulling on the huffs like a trapped animal. “I’m not a man and I’m not an Angel. Murderer. Heathen. Nothing here to save!”

Dean backed away and turned his back, unable to watch Castiel struggle and scream like a mad man. 

Sam, who had been quietly observing, stepped back and put his hand on his shoulder. “He doesn’t mean it, Dean. I think the failing Grace is poisoning him in a way. You were a demon the last time his borrowed Grace failed…”

Dean stepped out into the hall and San followed behind. Dean dropped his voice, knowing it was probably futile and the Angel would probably hear everything he said. “And he still didn’t give up on me then. I’m not giving up on him now.”

Sam huffed out a ragged breath and crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned his flannel clad back against the wall. “He wants to die, Dean. I’ve been there. It’s not an easy place to come back from.”

Dean paced, gripping his hands together behind his back as his steps echoed in the hall. “I didn’t say it was gonna be easy. He doesn’t think we want him if he’s not an Angel. That’s my fault…he’s never gotten to experience life with us as a human. I fucked that up.”

“Dean…” Sam pushed away from the wall then.

Dean froze and spun on one heel, determination in his eyes. He spoke in his typical commanding tone then. “We’ll cut his Grace out. I won’t sit here and watch him die. I can’t.”

Sam nodded once but raised an eyebrow in question. “And if we do that and he still wants to die?”

Dean shook his head as his eyes stared at the concrete floor. His voice trembled minutely and he hated himself for it. “He won’t. I know him, Sammy. He just needs something to live for, like anyone else.”  
\---------------------------------  
“Oh, Cassie?” Castiel peeled his heavy, weary eyes open to see Crowley leaned over his bed. “I always expected to find you handcuffed to Squirrel’s bed one day, but not under these circumstances…” Crowley smirked as Dean huffed in the background, unseen by Cass.

“What are you talking about Crowley? Why are you here?” Cass groaned out, voice a deeper tone than normal. His throat felt like it was on fire. He was burning up, literally. 

Crowley gave a sarcastically proud smile laced with smugness. “I’m here to save your life, believe it or not. I know, it’s ironic isn’t it?” 

Cass shook his head fervently. “I don’t want to be saved. I want to die.”

Crowley's eyes tightened as he took in Castiel's words but he shrugged nonchalantly. “Yes, well, we can’t always get what we want can we? You’re being a selfish little prick and Moose and Squirrel aren’t having it, and neither am I.”

“Why do you care? It’s one less obstacle in your way…” 

“I have my reasons, now I’m sure you remember the procedure. I’m going to cut your Grace out…I know it hurts. I’d apologize if I cared that much…but as I’ve said before, you’re no good to me dead.”Crowley was done with the heart to heart and switched himself back to his unfeeling persona.

Castiel pleaded, struggling to jerk his hands free of the cuffs, digging them into his flesh till they bled. “I’m no good to anyone human, Crowley. Just let me die. Please.”  
Dean and Sam stood behind Crowley, frowning. Hearing Castiel beg to die was painful. Watching him injure himself, more so.

Suddenly Castiel began fighting the restraints again, fear and pain in his eyes, his skin flush and sweaty. “I don’t want to be human! I don’t want to hurt! Too much pain, hunger, loneliness. I would rather die than live that Hell on Earth again! Angels are not meant to be human. We aren’t people!”

Dean pushed Crowley away then, not able to bear listening to Castiel like this. He laid one hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “Cass, it’s not gonna be like that this time. I swear. You’ll stay here with me and Sammy this time. I’m so sorry Cass. I’m sorry I made your human experience a living Hell the last time, but this time it’ll be different. I will never let you be out there alone, hungry, or afraid ever again. You’re our family and you’re going to stay with us as a human. We are who you belong with. We’re your family aren’t we? I promise….and I mean it this time.”

Castiel was panting and straining against the restraints until Dean finished speaking, then he turned his face away from Dean as he stilled, unable to stop the tear that slid down his face. “I’m just an attack dog that thought it was people, as so many have told me. I was wrong. I see that clearly now. ”

Crowley, Dean, and Sam stared silently at Castiel for a moment before stepping out of the room.

Dean impatiently paced the hall as he had earlier. “He’s losing it. We don’t have long to discuss this…”

Crowley shook his head in disagreement as he straightened his tie. “He’s dying but he’s not losing it as you say. He’s telling you the truth, the whole truth, for once in his bloody existence. He’s got nothing left to lose so he’s just spouting truths off like their going out of style. If you want answers from him, best get them now before we cut his Grace out and he’s able to lie like a human.” 

Crowley and Sam both looked to Dean who raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Why are you two looking at me? I got nothing to ask him. I just don’t want him to die this way.”

“Dean…your Angel is in there on his death bed and you’ve really got nothing to ask him or say to him? You know there is a slim chance removing the Grace will not work and he will die as soon as it’s removed…”

Dean whirled on Crowley, his face turning an alarming red. “What?! You never said that could happen!”

Crowley's uncaring shrug made Dean's blood boil and he kept his fists clenched tightly at his side. “I never said it couldn’t happen either. It’s a slim possibility. The only other Angel I’ve removed Grace from, I killed right after. Didn’t get to ask them how they felt.”

“Damn it…” Dean threw the door open to his bedroom and closed it behind him. He stalked over to Castiel’s form and he slowed. Cass was lying on his bed in his white dress shirt and slacks, handcuffed to the wall. It would have been an…interesting…sight if not for the circumstances. Castiel’s shirt clung to his sweat soaked body as he looked over at Dean as he entered. His eyes held nothing but resignation and sorrow. 

Dean sat on the bed next to Castiel’s chest. He put one tentative hand on Castiel’s cheek, mindlessly wiping away a stray tear. “Don’t do this to me, Cass.”

Castiel’s eyes slid shut and he tried to turn his face away. Dean gripped his chin and forced him to look back at him. “Why are you so ready to die?”

Cass’ eyes softened for a moment. “It’s all just too much, Dean. I’m tired of being manipulated by everyone, by being wrong every time I try to do right. I’m tired of…of being alone. I’m an Angel. We were legion, countless until I massacred my own flock. We are not meant to exist apart from one another or apart from Heaven. I chose….I chose you...you and Sam…knowing one day this might happen. I just never knew I’d have so much regret when the time came.”

Dean clung to that word. Regret. Regret he could work with. Regret could talk someone out of a desperate act, like letting themselves die. “What do you regret, Cass?”

Castiel became passive, his eyelids drooping with weariness. “I regret all the pain I have caused the Angels. All the people I hurt. Betraying you and Sam. Hurting everyone so much. Other things…”

“We can’t fix any of those things with you dead. How is you being dead going to help? I…need you here, man. What gives you the right to leave me here alone?”

Sympathy and understanding flooded Cass' eyes then, the madness washed away for one moment. “You’re not alone. You’ve got Sam, and your mother. You’ll be okay.”

Dean shook his head, dragging his eyes away from Castiel's understanding. No one could read Dean's eyes like Cass could. “No, I really won’t. You’re my best friend. Don’t leave me, Cass.”

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had Dean, and I thank you for that, but it’s time to let me go.”

“No. Damn it Cass. You’re really gonna make me say it….Fuck. I love you Cass, and not like a brother. That’s been a chicken shit thing to say for too long. What you and I got, it’s not like Sammy and me. I think you know that too.” Dean gently ran his thumb along the line of stubble on Cass’ jaw and Castiel clenched his teeth. 

Castiel’s eyes tightened and it put a pit in Dean’s stomach as he jerked his head out of Dean’s grasp. “Dean, I knew you’d say anything to get me to change my mind, but that is low…Of all the things to say to hurt me you would….” But before Castiel could finish his sentence, he was wracked in another seizure. The world spun and didn’t still for quite some time. 

When it did, Dean, Sam, and Crowley were all three hovering over him. Crowley had an Angel Blade. “You’re really going to do this against my will? It’s not what I want.”

“You won’t listen to me, Cass. You haven’t left me any choice, man.” Dean sighed out with a frown on his face. “You’re too important to me, to us…”

Crowley stage whispered to Sam in a sing-song voice. “Had it right the fiiirst time.” Sam elbowed Crowley in the ribs and gave him a warning look. “Alright Squirrel, stand aside. If we wait any longer, Cassie’s brains might melt out of his attractive little skull.”

“NO!” Castiel bellowed, kicking and fighting as Crowley came forward with the blade. The light bulbs flared and the room shook with Castiel’s anger, but his Grace was weakened and they dimmed back to normal as he panted with wild eyes. Sam grabbed Cass’ legs and Dean his arms as Crowley gripped his face.

“Keep him still boys. I can’t heal him if I accidentally slit his throat…” Dean huffed in frustration, unable to get a good grip. He growled out an obscenity and crawled onto the bed and straddled Cass’ chest, locking his arms down and staring down at the bluest eyes he’d ever seen. “Things just got a little bit kinky…” Crowley smirked and Dean rolled his eyes. 

“Dean, please. I don’t want this,” Cass whispered, fear in his eyes.

“You will. See you on the other side, Angel. Crowley, do it. Now.”

Crowley squeezed as closely as he could between Dean and Castiel and feather lightly drug the Angel Blade across Cass’ neck. Castiel screamed in anger and pain as Crowley brought out a bottle and drew the wispy remains of Cass’ Grace into it. When he stoppered it, Castiel’s eyes locked with Dean’s and closed slowly for the last time as an Angel. Dean’s eyes would be the last thing the Angel Castiel would ever see.


	2. Love Isn't Always Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cass, you have to talk to Dean. He does love you and he didn’t lie to you about everything…He fucked up, bad. I’m not arguing that fact, but he was trying to protect me by keeping you away. I’m sorry for whatever role I played in what he did. He shouldn’t have lied to you…to both of us. I would never have agreed to keeping you away from here and he knew that….and….and I get now why you said yes to Lucifer. I know how he works, Cass.”

Dean paced his room where Cass was still unconscious. He’d been asleep for hours now. Was that normal? The fuck if he knew. There was no manual on cutting the Grace out a Fallen Angel...I mean, if there was they'd have it. Dean had undone the Enochian cuffs and delicately handled Castiel’s wrists with antiseptic and gauze to clean the wounds the cuffs had cut into him. A large band-aid had been placed over where Crowley had left the delicate cut horizontally across his neck. He wouldn’t be healing wounds on his own ever again, Dean had thought soberly. He stared at Cass’ sleeping form. He’d seen him passed out before but totally, humanly asleep? Only once….He looked younger, smaller, and much more fragile. Dean had checked his breathing every few minutes after Sam and Crowley had left the room. He once again walked over to check his breathing, leaning over to watch the reassuring rise and fall of his chest, when Cass’ eyes flew open, a little less blue, and a lot more fearful. Dean’s eyes were the first thing human Castiel saw before he head butted him and flew off the bed, his fight or flight reflex kicking in. 

“Owwww, Damn it Cass!” Dean bellowed as he clutched at his head, slumping down hard onto the now empty mattress. He looked over at Castiel who was looking quite disheveled and confused. His bedraggled hair jutted out in very direction and his clothes were soiled from sweat. He watched the recognition return to Cass’ eyes followed by the familiar look of regret. When he spoke his voice was still him, but a bit less gravely, a little less awe inspiring. 

“Dean…I’m sorry. You startled me.” Castiel began to walk over to lay a finger to his forehead before jerking it back, remembering. “I’m human.”

Dean bit his lip hesitantly, bracing for an argument. “Yeah…how you feeling?” Dean quirked an eyebrow as he put his hand down from his aching head. “Other than scrappy.”

Castiel tilted his head to the side and closed his eyes, thinking. He opened them and locked eyes with Dean. "Very angry....and starving.”  
\---------------------------------  
Dean left Castiel to clean up a bit and change clothes. Their conversation had fallen silent at Castiel's statement. He walked to the kitchen where Sam and Crowley were waiting and bickering as normal. He stopped short at the door of the kitchen, hearing his name.

Sam spoke quietly. “Dean hasn’t left his side since he fell asleep. Maybe I should go relieve him.”

Crowley scoffed and Dean heard a laugh escape him. “Hah. He’s not going to let you, Moose. Blind devotion runs both ways with those two.” Dean cleared his throat and walked into the kitchen at that. Sam and Crowley both turned to look at Dean and Sam had the forethought to look sheepish. Crowley just shrugged. Dean stalked to the fridge and grabbed out a beer for himself and a bottle of water. He snatched up the bag of snacks he’d had Crowley pick up before they cut out Cass’ Grace and turned to the two. 

“Cass is changing clothes. He’s hungry…and kinda skittish, so I wouldn’t piss him off. He head butted me when he woke up…”

“Were you trying to use True Love’s kiss to wake him up?” Crowley wiggled his eyebrows.

“I hope he hits you next.” Dean growled out as he took a generous swallow of his beer.

“He’s human now. I’d like to see him try.” Crowley smirked as he watched Dean’s eyes narrow.

Dean stalked over to the demon and stuck his finger at his chest, his voice a low growl. “I swear to God if you try to hurt him now that he’s human I will end you. Truce or no truce.”

Crowley threw his hands up in mock surrender. “Wouldn’t dream of touching your boyfriend, Squirrel.”

“And cut that shit out.” Dean grumbled. 

Just then Castiel stepped into the kitchen wearing a pair of jeans of Dean’s that had been too small for the older Winchester and one of his t-shirts. He had on a pair of Dean’s sneakers too. No one had planned on a wardrobe for him now that he was human. His entire ensemble had to be washed and Dean didn’t know if he’d even want the trench coat back. 

“Hello Sleeping Beauty.” Crowley crooned out as Castiel stalked over to the snacks and water bottle Dean had set out. He unsnapped the cap of the bottle and guzzled it in less than 30 seconds and snatched up a bag of pork rinds from the grocery bag as he went to the sink to fill the bottle again. Cass said nothing to any of them as he drank down another bottle of water.

“Umm yeah, I should mention he’s pretty pissed off.” Dean mumbled as he swallowed and locked eyes with Cass, a pleading look, begging him for forgiveness.

Sam cleared his throat. “Castiel, we made up a room for you down the hall from Dean’s. We need to go to town to pick up groceries and I can pick up clothes if you can get me your sizes…and anything else you need.”

Cass shrugged before picking up a pork rind and popping it in his mouth hesitantly. All eyes in the room locked on him when he closed his eyes and hummed in happiness. Dean couldn’t help but think it sounded a bit sexual and he shifted uncomfortably. “Cass, you need a few minutes with the pork rinds?” he joked out instead.

Castiel’s eyes flew open as he scowled at Dean. He filled his water bottle again, snatched up the bag of pork rinds and started to leave the room. 

“Hey! You aren’t going to say one word to any of us?” Dean yelled, preferring to fight with Cass than to deal with his silence. Anything was better than this oppressive silence from him. 

Castiel whirled on him, somehow still graceful even in his limited human capabilities. “I have nothing to say to you. I told you I didn't want this. Any of this. Don't think I forgot the last time I was human, Dean. Getting my Grace back didn't make me forget. Becoming human again just made it much, much cleaer. You just stay away from me. I won't listen to any of your empty promises this time. I know better now. Sam, I will need some things when you go shopping because once I've gotten adjusted, I'm leaving." As Cass stalked out of the room, Crowley and Sam slid their eyes over to look at Dean, who looked devastated. He opened and closed his mouth, looking for words he couldn't find.

Sam spoke after Castiel was out of ear shot. "Dean, what the Hell happened?" 

Dean's eyes were wide. He felt blindsided. They had not talked about that in....years...."I...it's...a thing happened...uh. Damn it. Crowley...you need to go."

Crowley raised one eyebrow and leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed over his black clad chest. "Oh don't under share on my account...I know what you did to our Cassie. I got a glimpse when I was in his head when he was possessed. I got him drunk one night in L.A to get more details. It was worth the outrageous bar tab to hear him finally tell me, and you call me evil. Pot calling the kettle and all that..."

Dean leaned over the table, hissing his words out. "You shut the Hell up. It wasn't meant to be like it went down..."

Sam slammed a fist onto the table to break them up as Crowley was about to lean in and respond. "Dean! I'm still waiting to hear it."

Dean sighed and downed the remainer, which had been most of the bottle before letting out a shaky breath. He fiddled with the bottle, rolling the base around on the table, unable to meet Sam's eyes. "The Rit Zien case, the one Cass tipped me off about back when you were possessed by Gadreel...Well it came after Cass because of his pain. I helped him kill the bastard and when we left there I asked him where he wanted to go...He…wouldn't let me take him home...I figured out later he was homeless but I was too arrogant…stubborn…to say anything then. I didn't even question him...I took him back to my hotel room, let him shower and clean up. Then..."

Sam's face became horrified as the truth sank in. "Dean...You didn't..."

Dean hung his head in his hands, screwing his hands into fists and rubbing his eyes. He couldn’t look at his brother or Crowley as he confessed. "God help me, I did. I talked him into bed. It didn’t take much convincing for either of us to want to. I’d missed him so damn much and I felt so awful for making him leave. I promised him he could come home with me, told him that I...I loved him. Needed him. I didn't mean to promise him what I couldn't deliver...I just...got caught up."

Sam raked his fingers through his hair as she screwed up his mouth in a tight line. "Damn it, Dean." 

"There's more... The next morning, I told him I was sorry but he couldn't come home yet, wasn't safe yet. God, his face. I still see it when I have nightmares...He believes everything I told him was a lie from that night. It wasn't. I do love him...and I swear Crowley, if you make one snide remark..."

Crowley rolled his eyes at Dean dramatically. "Oh I'm just relieved it's all out in the open...working with him has been...taxing...on both our nerves but I knew it'd get under your skin. I see the way you look at him Squirrel. I have eyes."

“Dean, I can’t believe you. You pine after the guy for years, then you make him a one night stand?! I don’t get you. You’re lucky Cass has stayed with us at all after that. No wonder he hasn’t wanted to come home where he belongs. You fucked him over!” Sam slammed his hands on the table, making the cups and beer bottles jingle as he stood and leaned into his brother’s face. “You may claim a more profound bond with him but he is my best friend too, and he _IS_ like a brother to me. You don’t treat people you love that way, Dean. God…. That’s why he was acting so flirty with you at the bar that night we were on the Angel massacre case. You were such an ass to him that day too…I…don’t even know you, Dean. You make this right. You fix this. You talked me into thinking making him human was the best thing to do without giving me all the facts. Is this just you being selfish again? You fucking fix this, Dean!”

‘Don’t you think I’ve tried? I’ve tried talking to him so many times but he won’t listen. Once he got his Grace back he shut me out, started hanging out with that Hannah chick, then he took on Lucifer...” Dean got up and grabbed another beer from the fridge, cracking off the cap and downing half the bottle. 

“Shit, Dean…Do you even realize what you caused? Do you not understand that Lucifer PREYS on the broken hearted? That…all of that, is on you. You left him vulnerable to Lucifer. You. Fix. This.” Sam scooped up the bag of snacks and walked down the hall to the room he had worked on for Cass. The door was closed so Sam knocked tentatively. 

“Go away, Dean.” Castiel said from behind the door.

“It’s Sam, Cass. Please. Let me in….I brought snacks.” Sam smiled as he heard the door click and Castiel peer out. When he saw Sam was alone he gestured him in and shut the door behind him. Sam sat the bag of snacks on the little nightstand and sat down in the chair in the corner. Castiel sank down on the small bed and tightened his eyes. “Can we talk?”

Castiel tilted his head ever so slightly and deadpanned, “We’re already talking, Sam.”

Sam smiled softly at his friend. Some things would never change, which Sam took great comfort in. “Cass, Dean just told me what happened between you two…”

“Good on him for divulging his transgressions, but I have nothing to say about it.” Castiel stood up and began rifling through the grocery bag, grabbing out a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips. He turned them over in his hand before popping the bag open and grabbing several and putting them in his mouth. 

Sam leaned forward in the chair, his elbows propped on his knees. “Cass, you’re my best friend. You can talk to me, even if it is about my asshole brother. He knows where I stand on this considering where I am right now.”

Castiel curled up on the bed, crossing his legs Indian-style and sighed. He put his head in his hands before looking up at Sam with a desperately sad look in his eyes. Sam’s forehead creased with worry. He looked so lost. “Sam, I can’t stay here as a human. As an Angel, I could push it away. Push it back into the back of my mind, but now? Now, I am human and full of anger and...I am so very angry at Dean and I don’t want to feel this way. I have forgiven him for lying to me, but I can’t see his face every day knowing….I just can’t Sam.”

“Cass, you have to talk to Dean. He does love you and he didn’t lie to you about everything…He fucked up, bad. I’m not arguing that fact, but he was trying to protect me by keeping you away. I’m sorry for whatever role I played in what he did. He shouldn’t have lied to you…to both of us. I would never have agreed to keeping you away from here and he knew that….and….and I get now why you said yes to Lucifer. I know how he works, Cass.”

Castiel’s eyes glistened, but he scrunched them up tight. “Damn human tear ducts. Sam, I don’t blame _you_ for what Dean did. If he had told me the truth I would have insisted on staying away to keep you safe. You are like my brother. However, Dean lied to me. He manipulated my feelings for him for sexual intercourse, and he left me there penniless and homeless. All of this after the reaper manipulated me for the same thing and then tortured me. I loved him. I still love him, Sam. I have for some time now but I just can’t do it again. I’ve forgiven but I can’t forget. I am much more….resentful in my human form. Less willing to turn the other cheek. Angel Castiel was a pushover and followed Dean around like a lost puppy. I will not be that Castiel again.”

“I’m not asking you to, Cass. Just….try to hear him out? If you still want to leave after you’ve had time to adjust, I will help. I promise you. I will set you up with credit cards, ID, the whole nine yards. Just, give him a chance to talk to you. The Cass I know would at least hear him out, Angel or not.”

“Sam…”

“Please, Cass. I’m sorry for helping turn you human against your will without knowing this….but I don’t regret you still being here, human or not. None of us wanted you to die. Dean was in agony watching you. He loves you Castiel.”

Cass shook his head, his eyes studying a loose thread on his comforter and picking at it. “Even if that were true Sam, I have heard it said much from my time on Earth…Love isn’t always enough is it?”


	3. Cass did not tell lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cass, I do feel guilty, but I didn’t use you…” Dean started, his hands trembling so much he had to put the beer on the side table and he gripped his hands together tightly.
> 
> Castiel drug his eyes over to Dean then, and he was wishing Cass hadn't. His eyes held a contained storm that was about to roll in. His mouth drew into a tight line and as he scrunched up his forehead, the deep lines formed in them. “Dean, you kissed me, then convinced me to have sexual relations with you, then lied to me, then left me. What part of that am I confused on because I would really like to know…” Castiel’s harsh tone made Dean visibly wince and lean away.

Sam closed the door to Castiel’s room, feeling angry and frustrated. It was no wonder the past months…Hell...years had been full of Dean’s angst ad self-loathing. He and Cass had taken a step in the right direction to actually have a relationship and both had been forced to walk away from each other, and both had been miserable. Cass was human now though, permanently so. Perhaps that would help them see things for what they were....Maybe they could have their happy ending.   
\-------------------------------------------------

Dean stood in his room,staring at the door like he could will it to open. He found himself unable to walk the ten feet down the hall to Castiel’s room. He leaned against the wall their rooms shared, knowing that the Angel, no…just a man now…man he loved was just on the other side and was so angry with him. His reasons were valid. Dean couldn't even argue that point. He had just hoped that perhaps some time had given Cass a different perspective on the situation. It’s not that he hadn’t ever tried to talk to him about what happened but Castiel had acted as if it had never happened. Dean had begun to wonder if getting his Grace back had erased that memory. He’d been torn on how it felt if that were true. Dean remembered every moment of that night......

They'd both been a bit banged up from the fight with the Rit Zien and Cass had given himself a deep cut on his palm trying to draw an Angel Sigil. When Castiel had stuttered out an unintelligible string of nonsense when Dean had asked about taking him home, Dean had shrugged and driven to his hotel room. There was only one bed but Dean had shared with Sam before and there was usually enough room. When Dean turned the key to the hotel room, Cass looked around like he was in a fucking palace....and Dean began to understand. Castiel sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, clutching a rag from the house to his hand. Dean slung his duffel on the floor and suddenly realized how small the bed looked. He bit his lip nervously and bit back the suggestion to book a second room. Castiel looked so lost right now and Dean had missed him. He wanted to spend time with him, and he couldn't do that in separate rooms. He'd never tell Sammy but being around Cass just felt...right. It was like coming home to the bunker, a lightness overcame him. Telling Cass to leave had been one of the hardest things Dean had ever done. 

"Hey Cass, why don't you get a shower? You can clean your hand up and waste someone else's hot water. I'm sure your apartment probably has a small water heater huh? They usually do..." Dean had said quietly, trying to get Cass to tell him what he already suspected.

"Yes, um I think I _will_ take a shower. Thank you Dean." Castiel had rocketed off the bed and into the bathroom as fast as if he still had wings. Dean fiddled around the room until he heard the shower turn on. It made him acutely, uncomfortably aware of the fact that Castiel was naked on the other side of the thin plywood bathroom door. Why that should matter so much started to nag at the back of his mind. He wondered if the rest of his body was as tan as his hands. He'd never even seen the man completely shirtless except when he'd had to cut that sigil in his chest....Dean took ragged breath and shook off the thoughts. Cass was his friend, his friend damn it. Dean popped on the rickety tv set and kicked off his shoes. The TV helped drown out the sound of the shower, which was a positive for Dean. He stretched out on the bed and lost himself in a Dr. Sexy rerun when he heard the bathroom door open and saw a cloud of steam start to seep out, and damn....Castiel walked through the steamy haze clad only in a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was damp and clinging to the side of his face is wet tendrils. He had his clothes clutched in his hands. Dean felt a stirring between his legs and his eyes widened a bit like in a horror movie where you know what's happening but you can't stop it. Not now, dick. Not now!!

"Dean, I...I don't have my change of clothes...I mean, any extra clothes, of which I have many...here with me. They are all...at my apartment..." Castiel had his free hand clutched at where the towel met in a vice grip. The white towel was not one of the larger ones and Dean got a glimpse of thighs...muscular, tan thighs...and his little problem was becoming much more problematic by the minute. OKay...okay. So he was really attracted to Castiel...that...wasn't a news flash. He was just having trouble hiding it tonight like he normally did.

"Uh...you...you can borrow some of my clothes, buddy. No big deal. Hold on." Dean jumped off the bed and kept his...problem....obscured by the duffel as he snatched it up. He dug through it and grabbed up a pair of black boxers and one of his nicer hunter green t-shirts. He tossed them to Cass, who instinctually dropped his clothes and the hold on the towel to catch them....and that damn towel let go of it's precarious hold of Cass' waist and hit the floor. Dean flushed from head to toe and temporary insanity had him striding over to close the distance between them. Castiel clutched the clothes Dean had tossed him against his naked groin and tilted his head to the side in confusion as Dean came walking up to him with such purpose until...Dean laid one hand on Castiel's face, cupping his lightly stubbled cheek so tenderly.

"Dean?" Castiel croaked out in confusion and instinctively leaning into Dean's touch. He was human now, and he craved touch. Dean's touch was especially nice and....wanted. Dean smelled of home, his Impala, the Bunker. Everywhere Home was to Cass...Dean was his home. He wanted to go home. 

Dean's eyes filled with want and he leaned in and brushed his lips against Castiel's. Cass eyes widened in surprise before sliding closed. They had slotted together so perfectly...like they were made to fit together...It had been so perfect...

It had felt so, so right to hold Cass that way. Hearing the throaty moans come out of the mouth of the Fallen Angel had driven Dean mad. He had let himself think for a moment that all would be okay. He’d buried himself in the love they had for each other instead of facing the truth and when Castiel had begged Dean to tell him why he couldn’t come home, to tell him what he’d done to deserve it, Dean had broken. Tears had fallen down the older Winchesters face and he swore Cass could come home where he belonged. They had clung to each other desperately after that. When Castiel fell asleep on the bed after making a comment about it being much more comfortable than his sleeping bag, Dean’s stomach had knotted up. He stayed up staring at Castiel’s sleeping face until the sun rose and the alarm on Cass’ phone had gone off to tell him to get ready for work. As Cass reached for it Dean knew…he realized he’d lied. Cass couldn’t come home yet. The look on his face when Dean said those words would forever haunt him. Dean had finally broken Castiel that day. He’d shut down as soon as Dean said those words and had been shut down ever since.......

Dean crawled dejectedly into his bed and prayed for sleep he knew wouldn’t come. He’d foolishly dared to hope that Castiel’s first night as a human he’d be in Dean’s bed. They’d get past all the baggage and finally be able to be together, but now there was less baggage and more of a wall between them. He did fall into a light sleep but it was fitful and restless. He ended up lying on top of the covers, drenched in sweat after waking up from a nightmare where he got the call Cass had died on some mundane hunting gig. He got up, ran his fingers through his sweat slick hair and left his room to get a glass of water. 

He knew he wasn’t alone the second he entered the kitchen. He saw Castiel’s recognizable form silhouetted by the light of the fridge, his hand wrapped around a beer. “Mind grabbing me one too?” Dean said softly so as not to startle him. He saw Castiel’s shoulders slump as he heard his voice but he saw him grab two beers. Cass, his eyes sliding right past Dean, came from around the counter and offered up the beer, popped the cap on his, and went to the TV room. 

Dean sighed and followed several steps behind him. “Cass, wait up. Can we talk?”

Cass sank down lightly on the couch and shrugged as he took a drag of his beer. He snapped on the TV and the light flickered in his eyes, eyes that would not even look at Dean. Dean tried not to fixate on those lips wrapped around the lip of the bottle. “I can’t stop you I suppose.”

Dean sat beside Cass even though he knew he wouldn’t want him to. Dean wanted to be near him so badly. He craved it more than any of his other vices. “Cass, I want to talk about what I did…”

Castiel let out a huff and a small,bitter laugh escaped those beer moistened lips that Dean couldn't stop staring at. “I’m sure. Humans often like to talk about their feelings to relieve the burden of guilt.”

“Cass, I do feel guilty, but I didn’t use you…” Dean started, his hands trembling so much he had to put the beer on the side table and he gripped his hands together tightly.

Castiel drug his eyes over to Dean then, and he was wishing Cass hadn't. His eyes held a contained storm that was about to roll in. His mouth drew into a tight line and as he scrunched up his forehead, the deep lines formed in them. “Dean, you kissed me, then convinced me to have sexual relations with you, then lied to me, then left me. What part of that am I confused on because I would really like to know…” Castiel’s harsh tone made Dean visibly wince and lean away.

“I...Damn it. I didn’t mean to lie. I wanted you to come home more than anything. I convinced myself you could, and by all rights you could have if I had just told you what was going on. I thought I was protecting Sammy. I did _NOT_ lie when I told you I loved you and that I needed you. I did _not_ lie about that.” Dean put a tentative hand on Castiel’s knee, begging with his touch for him to believe him. 

Cass took a ragged breath before drawing his legs up on the couch in a defensive way at Dean’s touch. Dean pulled his hand back like he’d been burned as Cass recoiled from him. “Dean, please do not touch me. Even if what you say is true, you knew my history with sex. After April and then you, both lying to get what you want, I have no interest in any such relationship again with you.....Humans are disgusting in their drive for sex. I have seen it over thousands of years. You will do or say anything to get it. Uriel called you mud monkeys. I defended you then, but he was not wrong. You are lesser beings driven to stick your genitals wherever you see fit, and you, _Dean Winchester_ are the worst of the lot.” Dean’s eyes filled with traitorous tears as Castiel said the most hurtful things he could think of. Dean’s stomach knotted as Cass stood up, grabbed his beer and looked down at him, his face filled with a mixture of anger and sadness. The fact that Dean had put those feelings there hurt even more. “I forgave you, Dean, but I will never let myself fall for your words ever again. I loved you and you…” Cass turned his face as Dean saw a tear drag down. “You made me hate myself for loving you.” Cass started to walk away but Dean got up and grabbed his hand desperately. Cass turned with human tears sliding down his face to match Dean’s.

“Cass please. I love you. I’ll do anything. Anything at all to prove how sorry I am. I fucked up, so bad. I know. What I can do?”

“You could have let me die.” Castiel said as he drew his hand away, wiping the tears off his face with a frustrated swipe of the back of his hand.

Dean shook his head forcefully. “No, I couldn’t, not when you could be saved.”

Castiel jutted his chin out, a scowl forming on those full lips. “You call this saving me? Damning me to feel this pain for the rest of my short life? You just did it to save yourself.”

“That’s not true!” Dean hissed out in a loud whisper before grabbing Castiel’s shoulders and spinning him around. 

“What do you know of truth, Dean Winchester?” Castiel hissed back, his eyes tight and angry. Their faces were inches from one another, tears slick on their faces and where Castiel’s eyes were full of anger, Dean’s eyes were full of sorrow. 

“Please, man. Give me a chance.” Dean begged. He actually slid to his knees, wrapped his arms around Castiel’s legs, and begged as his cheek was crushed against Cass’ trembling knees. “Please. Please. Don’t leave me. Forgive me. Don’t go. I’m begging you. When have you ever seen me beg?”

Castiel stood there trembling as he watched Dean fall apart. He wanted to sink to his knees and promise him everything would be okay, but Cass did not tell lies. Castiel extended a hand to Dean, which he shakily took and he pulled him up before shaking his head softly and walking away.


	4. Forgive Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thank you for all your help these past few weeks, Sam. I think…I think I am going to head out tomorrow.” Castiel said as he looked over the bundle of IDs, credit cards, and the like. 
> 
> Sam reluctantly put all the IDs and paperwork in a box and handed them all to Cass. He steeled himself to bring up their main topic of discussion every time they were alone. “I wish you’d reconsider, Cass. You and Dean can still work it out you know…”
> 
> Castiel sighed dramatically and gave Sam a very well delivered bitch face. “Sam….”

The weeks dragged on and Dean and Cass had a silent truce. They were civil to one another and no more angry words were exchanged but neither were they overly friendly. Dean would make a point not to push his companionship on Castiel, or even sit too close to him, at his request. Castiel hid himself behind his mask of anger but it was Dean's turn to wear his feelings on his sleeve. It seemed Castiel really was his biggest weakness. it was torture for Sam to watch Dean eat supper, the table a barrier between the two and watch him steal glances at Cass when he wasn't looking. When Castiel would speak, it seemed to almost physically pain his brother to hear his voice. Sam was the mediator between the two, much to his frustration. Sam thought Castiel would eventually let all of this go and at least he and Dean could be friends again. Sam wasn't sure Dean could survive this enforced anti-friendship forever. 

Castiel had come to him the morning after he and Dean’s disastrous talk and asked him to begin helping him prepare for life on his own; credit cards, driver’s license, social security cards, etc. They both agreed he couldn’t use James Novak because he was a missing person. They chose the name Caston Campbell in case any of their small group of friends recognized him and called him Cass in public. Sam had chosen Campbell because he knew it would open hunting doors for his friend. It had taken several weeks to put everything together and for Castiel to adjust to human life.

“Thank you for all your help these past few weeks, Sam. I think…I think I am going to head out tomorrow.” Castiel said as he looked over the bundle of IDs, credit cards, and the like. 

Sam reluctantly put all the IDs and paperwork in a box and handed them all to Cass. He steeled himself to bring up their main topic of discussion every time they were alone. “I wish you’d reconsider, Cass. You and Dean can still work it out you know…”

Castiel sighed dramatically and gave Sam a very well delivered bitch face. “Sam….”

Sam couldn't help the half smile that summoned itself at that look. “I know. I know. I just…Cass I don’t like you going off on your own.”

Castiel shrugged nonchalantly, clutching the box to his chest with more feeling than Sam would point out. “I’ve been on my own plenty of times before, Sam, and less prepared than this. I’ll call you and stay in touch. I’ll leave in the morning.”

Sam looked to the floor and shuffled his feet awkwardly, digging the toe of his shoe into the ground. “Are you going to tell Dean or do you want me to?”

Castiel was quiet longer than Sam expected but when he met Cass' eyes, they were hard. “I’ll tell him in my own way.”  
\---------------------------------  
Sam went to bed early. He hoped Dean and Cass would have a heart to heart and work things out. Maybe things would be fixed in the morning. He survived these past several weeks with his ridiculous optimism. He put on his sound machine and fell into a deep sleep not knowing Castiel was hiding in his room, deep into a bottle of whiskey. He had been in the bottle for an hour, drinking down some liquid courage to talk to Dean. He was padding around his room barefooted in a pair of dark wash jeans and a blue button up with a backpack of clothes mostly packed on his bed, knocking back another glass and talking out loud, softly, practicing what he wanted to say. He finally huffed, put down his glass, and marched down the hall to Dean’s room. 

Dean heard the forceful knock on his door and his heart raced for just a moment but Cass had not stepped foot in his room since he’d become human. “Come in!” Dean said, waiting for Sam to walk in. When Castiel came in, rumpled and reeking of whiskey, Dean felt that familiar ache for him. He threw his legs off the bed and stood up, looking at Cass tentatively. 

“Cass, you okay?” Dean said quietly as Castiel squinted his eyes and sauntered in, closing the door behind him. Cass strode confidently over, stood face to face with Dean, and took a deep breath as if to say something. Dean braced for another fight. However, the second their eyes met, Dean found Castiel’s lips crashed into his own, his tongue forcing its way into Dean’s stunned mouth. It took Dean only a moment to register what was going on and push back slightly. “Cass?”

“Just shut up, Dean. For once in your damn life.” Castiel growled out as he gripped Dean’s face forcefully and began kissing and nipping his neck roughly. Dean turned to jelly in Castiel’s grip and his hands slipped under his shirt, craving his touch more than air these past few weeks. He’d thought he’d never get this again but here they were. He’d been patient and kept his distance and it had worked. Cass had forgiven him and everything would be okay. Cass slid his tongue in Dean’s ear, the whiskey perfuming his breath and making Dean’s eyes roll back in his head. Dean deftly began unbuttoning Castiel’s shirt, and he mentally cursed button up shirts. When Cass’ shirt hit the floor, Castiel easily slid Dean’s t-shirt off and slid off his pajama pants and boxers. Dean shivered under his hungry gaze and undid his jeans button and slid them off as well. They both stood there, naked and exposed. Castiel hesitated a moment before gripping Dean’s shoulders and pushing him onto the bed forcefully, pinning him on his back with his muscular body. He’d been working out in the weeks since becoming human and Dean couldn’t get enough of touching his tanned, taut flesh..this was allowed now and the stunningly quick turn of events had Dean's head reeling.

Dean’s fingers raked down Castiel’s back, making him moan into Dean’s mouth as he deepened the kiss. Cass was a mixture of tenderness and roughness, alternating between the two like he couldn’t decide who he was or what he wanted. Castiel slotted their dicks together, rutting them together like an animal and Dean panted beneath him, almost whining in need. Cass smirked in pleasure at Dean’s need and began reining kisses down his smooth expanse of chest. The first time he whispered _I love you, Dean_ , Dean thought he was hearing things. However, every few minutes Cass would whisper a sentiment like _I love you, I forgive you, It’s going to be okay_. Dean was trembling, unable to process this turn of events mentally. He began whispering back his own phrases such as _I’m sorry, I love you, I need you_. This went on for what felt like forever, both of them frantic to touch one another but in no hurry for it to end. They kissed along every inch of each other’s skin until there wasn’t a bit left untouched. When Castiel finally opened Dean’s dresser drawer and raised his eyebrow as he took out the bottle of lube, Dean flushed pink from his head to his toes. They didn’t even have to discuss it. Dean gave Castiel a nod and spread his legs as Cass settled between his legs and slid one lubed finger in. Dean let one shaky breath escape his mouth as he looked hungrily down his body at Cass. He could give Cass this. He wanted to. Castiel had given this to him and he’d fucked it up. When Cass began moving the one finger within him, Dean panted, amazed at the feeling. This was his Cass, and they were together, and everything would be okay.

“More Cass.” Dean panted out and Castiel silently nodded, sliding in a second finger. Dean’s back arched off the bed as Castiel’s fingers slid in to the knuckle and found that spot inside him that had never been touched by anyone else. Dean cried out as Cass smiled and worked his fingers over that spot until Dean was a squirming, sweating, bucking pile of human need. When Dean was right on the cusp of orgasm, Cass pulled his fingers out and slid his lubed dick in roughly. Dean huffed out like he’d been punched in the stomach. It hurt like hell for a second but as rough as Cass had been, he froze as he saw the pain on Dean’s face and waited with trembling need. Castiel’s face hovered above Dean, his hair getting long enough to start obscuring his eyes if he didn’t brush it back. He cocked his head to the side and for just one moment Dean could see the Angel he had lost in those human eyes. He could see the Angel that had sacrificed everything to keep him safe. The Angel he had broken. Castiel laid one chaste kiss on Dean’s forehead that was out of place with their current tempo and then began moving himself within Dean. Dean cried out at the sensation and his eyes rolled back in his head. 

“Oh fuck, Cass!” Dean whimpered. “You feel so good.” As Dean spoke, Castiel moved at a steadier rhythm, kissing Dean’s neck hungrily. 

“I missed you, Dean.” Cass growled out as his hands grabbed Dean’s wrists and held them above his head. Dean’s heart raced at his words more than the sensations and he moaned out. He hooked his legs around Castiel’s waist and it drove Cass deeper into Dean. Castiel picked his pace up and they both began grunting and huffing in rhythm to the thrusts. They were lost this way for quite some time, just drinking in the feeling of one another again. When Cass bit down onto Dean’s shoulder and finally came hot and deep into him, Dean shuddered out. He hadn’t come yet and was aching in need. When Castiel pulled out of him, leaving him feeling empty, Dean almost whined. Cass looked down at Dean’s quivering, erect dick and he slid his hand down and began jacking Dean off roughly. Dean arched off the bed again like he had been electrocuted. He didn’t take long to push over the edge and he came quickly, coming all over his own chest. Once he came, Castiel quickly slid off the bed, grabbed his own shirt, and cleaned Dean off. 

“I’m going to run to the bathroom. Don’t go anywhere…” Dean said quietly as he slid off the bed and headed for the door. He stared at Cass lying in his bed like it was some type of fever dream that would be gone when he returned. 

“I’m not going anywhere tonight, Dean.” Castiel said quietly, an odd look on his face. When Dean returned he slid under the cover and Castiel did the same. They clung to one another, whispering the same phrases they shared during sex. Dean ended with his back spooned into Castiel’s front and he fell asleep with Castiel’s warm breath on his neck and his hand on Dean’s hip. Maybe everything really would be okay.   
\-----------------------------------------------------  
The next morning Dean awoke with a start, his mind trying to remind him of last night from the ache in his body from the intrusion. He stretched and rolled over to find the other side of the bed empty. Dean sat straight up and threw on his clothes from the night before. He went to the kitchen in search of Cass but when he got there, it was only Sam. 

“Hey Sam, you seen Cass?” Dean asked as nonchalantly as possible as he grabbed an empty coffee cup. 

“Dean....he already left.” Dean looked over slowly, confusion written all over his face. When Sam saw his face, shock shown on his. “He didn’t tell you….”

“Where is he, Sam?” Dean spoke as a bubble of panic erupted in his chest and he set the coffee cup down hard on the table.

Sam stood up and went over to his brother, who was now gripping the table like a lifeline. “He left. He’s been planning it for weeks. He told me he was going to tell you last night….” 

Dean sunk down in the kitchen chair, his hands covering his face as his heart raced and he tried to fight back tears. Don’t do this in front of Sam he told himself.

“Oh, he told me a lot of things last night, but not that he was leaving.” Dean mumbled out, pinching the bridge of his nose to fight back the pain that threatened to overtake him. “Did he get a different phone, or is it still the same one?”

“He’s got his old one and a new one….he….didn’t want you to have the new number. I thought that was childish and told him so. He agreed you could have it. Here…” Sam put the new number in Dean’s phone and Dean immediately tried calling the old and new numbers. Both went straight to voice mail. Dean shuddered as he listened to the voicemail intro:  
 _You’ve reached the number of Casten Campbell. If you’ve got it, you know what to do._

“Cass, damn it. How can you do this after what…..Call me.” Dean hung up and tossed his phone on the table. 

“Oh shit…Dean. You two didn’t….” Sam said quietly as recognition dawned on him. Dean got up from the table and went straight to Castiel’s room. It was empty of any personal objects but Dean still walked up to his bed as he saw something on the pillow. He picked up the small, torn piece of white notebook paper and unfolded it with shaky hands. In Castiel’s eloquent writing were only two words: 

**Forgive me. –C**


	5. He had it coming...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth was truth and lies were lies. He had deceived Dean, willingly or not. Dean would not have so freely shared his bed with him had he known he would be leaving in the morning and Cass knew that....and he felt terrible. However, he acknowledged that little, evil voice in the back of his mind that whispered... _He had it coming_. He couldn't say if that was the humanity in him or the Angelic part of him...and that worried him more. What he had done was evil.

Castiel flew down the highway, in a manner of speaking of course. He had been practicing on the vintage motorcycle tucked away in the Men Of Letter's garage and he had found it infinitely more appealing than the confines of a car. It wasn't as practical, no, but Cass had found enough storage type satchels and saddle bags that he could comfortably store the things he needed. He didn't want to copy the way Sam and Dean did things. He needed to find his own way. So, when he found he had a knack for the motorcycle and all the freedom it gave him, he made the decision to take it instead of the truck. He loved the way it felt almost like flying...almost. If he had been an Angel still, he would have ditched the helmet and felt the wind whip through his hair and the air sting his eyes, but since he was infinitely more fragile now, he donned his black helmet every single time. Sam had made him watch videos of motorcycle accidents and injuries and it had made a definite impression. 

So there was no wind to dry the tears that kept slithering slowly out of his eyes. It didn't yet cause him to worry about obscuring his vision but soon...Castiel pulled over when he knew he had at least 50 miles free of the bunker and he steadied the bike before he whipped the helmet off and scrubbed at his face. It had been near impossible to slide out of Dean's bed in the early morning hours and Castiel felt like such an ass. He'd never intended to have sex with Dean last night. He'd intended to go in and tell him he forgave him and that he loved him, but that they were not good for each other. He didn't want to leave with Dean still skulking around like a kicked cat. He wanted Dean to know he still loved him and maybe one day...but no. He knew that wasn't for the best. However, when their eyes had connected, all of Castiel's carefully thought out words died on his lips and he'd fallen back into the addiction that was Dean for him. 

He had not lied last night. Every single word he'd said was true and he made sure of that...He DID love Dean. He DID miss Dean...but would everything really be okay eventually? HAD he lied? He had not divulged the entirety of the truth, that was for sure. What a human way to think of it...Castiel shuddered. Truth was truth and lies were lies. He had deceived Dean, willingly or not. Dean would not have so freely shared his bed with him had he known he would be leaving in the morning and Cass knew that....and he felt terrible. However, he acknowledged that little, evil voice in the back of his mind that whispered... _He had it coming_. He couldn't say if that was the humanity in him or the Angelic part of him...and that worried him more. What he had done was evil. Two wrongs didn't make a right. He knew that. Golden Rule and all that....but he admitted he had taken a slightly sick delight in showing Dean the pain he had caused, which caused more tears to flow down his face and he scrub them away just as quickly. The whiskey had made him brace enough to want to Dean, and mean enough to hurt him. No, you can't blame the whiskey, he told himself. That sick pleasure had not snaked into Castiel's thoughts until he drove off. Before that, he'd reveled in holding Dean's naked body to his own, in breathing in the scent of him: That smell that Castiel had once and would always associate with home, family, safety. Leather upholstery, after shave, a tiny waft of hair gel, and the slightly musty air of the bunker. Castiel had proven he didn't deserve any of that though, the moment he got on his bike and flew away as fast as the speed limit allowed. 

Dean deserved better than the vindictive, evil, human he had become. He wished they had let him die rather than become this...as an Angel he wanted nothing more than to protect Sam and Dean and here he was inflicting wounds.

He had put his phone to reject all calls before he'd even left the bunker, knowing Dean would call him the moment he knew he was gone. It was about two hours later when the first voice mail arrived. He felt the buzzing in his pocket and he pulled over. He saw the voicemail alert.

1 new voicemail from: Dean.

Castiel breathed rapidly as he pulled off the motorcycle glove with his teeth. His fingers shook but he knew he'd have to listen eventually. He plugged in the code to listen.

**_Cass, damn it. How can you do this after what…..Call me._ **

Castiel swallowed hard at hearing the desperation in Dean's tone. That sick pleasure he'd taken in leaving quickly left and only a bitter, sickening loss filled that space. His fingers hovered over the call button, and he was so tempted....He could call and say he was sorry and he could be home in two hours...He could...but he wouldn't. They were not good for each other, not now. Cass saved the message, unable to delete Dean's voice, tucked the phone back in his pocket, put his glove back on, and drove farther and farther away from his home. 

\-------------------------  
Sam didn’t know where Cass had gone. Dean had gotten every scrap of info from Sam he could. He knew the aliases, the motorcycle Cass had taken, and two phone numbers. That was all. He tried turning on the GPS on his phones but Cass had caught on to that trick from his years with the Winchesters and Location Services had been disabled.  
Dean called every hunter contact he had over the span of a week and no one had seen him. Garth promised to keep an ear and eye out. It had been two weeks without word from Cass except a few texts to Sam only saying he was fine when Dean called Claire. She was Castiel’s only other human contact and he knew Cass cared for her. The phone rang a long time before he heard the familiar, snarky tone. 

**“Hey, old man. I wondered when you’d call looking for him…”**

“Hey Claire, you’ve seen Cass then?”

**“Yeah. He came to see me two weeks ago. He was a mess. Said you guys had made him human and he was hunting now. I offered to hunt with him but he said he was better off alone. He was riding a motorcyle and everything...What the heck did you do? I told you to watch out for him…” The accusation was there in her tone.**

Dean sighed into the phone, gripping the bridge of his nose. “It’s complicated, Claire. Do you know where he is now?”

**“Nope. He actually told me not to tell you I’d seen him but, you know, rebellious youth that I am, gotta defy somebody. You’re really not going to tell me why he looked like a puppy who’d been kicked too many times? He always kind of has that doofy look about him but now….”**

“I know, Claire. That’s why I’m trying to find him. If you hear from him, you let me know you hear me?”

**“I hear you old man. You fix him you hear? He’s the only family I’ve got other than Jody and Alex.”**

“And us. I promise I’m trying to find him and make things right.”

****

**“You better.”**

Click.  
\-----------------------------  
Every day Castiel would get at least one voicemail or missed call from Dean, texts more frequently. At first they were pleading, then angry,then resigned. Angry was easier to deal with. Dean had a right to be angry. It was the voicemails that Dean left when he was drunk that were the most difficult for Cass. The slurred desperation. The occasional tears. The calls at 2am were the hardest to ignore, because Cass knew Dean was on the wrong side of a bottle of Jack and needed him...and he wouldn't answer. He knew the moment he answered that all his defenses would collapse and he'd fly home as fast as his wheels could turn....and Dean deserved better. Castiel was doing okay on his own, really he was. He told himself that every day when his head hit the pillow of whatever dive hotel he found. This whole hotel business was not nearly as cozy as when he had shared rooms with Sam or Dean. The beds were lumpy, they always had an offensive combination of smells of laundry soap, bleach, and cigarette smoke. 

Castiel wouldn't even answer Sam's phone calls because he knew Dean might be right there...If he heard his voice at all he knew he'd crumble. He'd send back text replies and occasionally randomly check in to let Sam know he was alive and well. He'd never give locations though. He'd shut off his location services because he remembered that was how they had tracked him when he was under the attack dog spell and this time he didn't want to be tracked. He was well and truly warded and untrackable except for the credit cards, and Cass used cash as much as possible. He'd learned from Sam about hustling pool and he'd occasionally do the odd job for cash. He stayed away from other hunters as well because he was sure Dean had a APB out on him with the group. So, he was well and truly alone. He never brought anyone back to his room either. He'd considered it several times when he got hit on in bars, which was frequent. Dean had survived years of life on the road with one night stands, but Castiel couldn't stand the thought because he only wanted one person...

 

Sitting in dive bars drinking cheap whiskey had become his norm to fill the empty hours after a hunt. It wasn't nearly as appealing as watching Dean do it though. He spoke to no one except the bartender, even then keeping it strictly small talk. He'd sit hunched over in his holey jeans and thrift store shirts, hoping to give off the vibe of harmless drifter, and yet he'd still get hit on. His hair was longer now and he'd stopped gelling it up so it hung over his forehead, giving him a messy look he had grown rather fond of. Apparently strangers were fond of it too. He'd lost count of how many times a random woman or man grabbed his ass or hung themselves all over him, reeking of perfume or alcohol or both. He'd found the best way to shut them down would be to flat out reject them with a solid, "I'm gay" or "I'm straight", whichever the assailant called for. He'd tried saying he was taken and that rarely worked. He'd asked to be left alone, and that seemed to make the pursuer more interested, but flat out denying them by saying he was incompatible sexually tended to do the trick. Of course there were those who saw it as a challenge and Castiel had to get firm, and sometimes cruel with those types. He swore he could hear Dean laughing at him for turning down people when he was sure Dean himself was probably in a similar bar getting hit on and reveling in it. 

Dean had never taken another man to bed other than Cass...would that change after what they had done together? Had it already changed? The thought of anyone else touching Dean put a sickening pit in his stomach that nothing would make go away, so he'd drink until he stopped imagining strange hands touching Dean's chest, staring into his eyes, kissing his lips....Dean didn't belong to him. Leaving had made that perfectly clear, so he had no claim. The alcohol made him forget sometimes, and sometimes he'd stare at his phone until the daily voicemail or text from Dean would arrive, like a lifeline he clung to to get through another day alone. It was a reminder that Dean had not forgotten him, even if Castiel had not returned a single text or phone call. He knew he had to talk to him eventually, but it had been six months now and Castiel still felt tremendous shame for what he had done. He needed time to process this new life and new feelings before he could go back to Dean and beg him to forgive him for what he had done, and continued to do to his best friend. Cass knew Dean might move on while he was gone, and in a way he hoped he did. Dean deserved to be happy. If that meant a life without Cass by his side, maybe that was for the best. At least that was what he told himself as he laid in the lumpy hotel bed, staring at the textured, stained ceiling waiting for his evening voicemail from Dean.


	6. Sammy, It's Cass. Lets Go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cass, it's Dean. I mean, you know it's me...Anyway, look it's been six months since I heard your voice and I really wish you'd just answer the damn phone. You may still be angry with me, which is fine, but I just wanted you to know I'm not angry with you. I'd have no right to be if I was after I started the whole stupid thing. I just want to know you're okay. Sam hasn't heard from you in two weeks and...I just want to know you're okay. I miss you. I'm sorry....I love you.If you've found someone else, that's okay too...Just let me know you're okay...or at least text Sam. A text is okay too...Please...

He tried to stay away from cases near the bunker in case Sam or Dean had picked up on the hunt but when he got word of victims with their eyes burned out two hours from the bunker, he knew he had to go. He would just have to hope some other hunter would pick up the call and not Sam and Dean. This sounded like a rogue Angel and Castiel knew that was his fight.The day he rolled into town on the hunt for the rogue angel, the voicemail message had been difficult. They differed from day to day. Some were short and angry and some went on and on.

_Cass, it's Dean. I mean, you know it's me...Anyway, look it's been six months since I heard your voice and I really wish you'd just answer the damn phone. You may still be angry with me, which is fine, but I just wanted you to know I'm not angry with you. I'd have no right to be if I was after I started the whole stupid thing. I just want to know you're okay. Sam hasn't heard from you in two weeks and...I just want to know you're okay. I miss you. I'm sorry....I love you.If you've found someone else, that's okay too...Just let me know you're okay...or at least text Sam. A text is okay too...Please..._

Castiel made a mental note to text Sam but first he had to get checked in at the hotel and follow up on the few leads he had. There would be time later.  
\----------------------------

Sam was beginning to worry about Castiel AND his brother. Castiel had not checked in with him in over two weeks and Dean had been glued to his computer or phone just as long trying to find him. It had been six months since Castiel had left the bunker and Dean had gone out looking for him on multiple occasions but it was hard to find someone who didn’t want to be found, especially when Dean and Sam had been the ones to train him. Dean had started drinking too much again. He didn’t get any sleep and was overall a grouchy, drunken mess. Dean had finally told Sam everything that happened the night before Castiel left and Sam cursed both of them loudly and at length. His life would be so much simpler if those two would pull their heads out of their asses and just fucking love each other like two normal people, but no, boy melodramas had to play out apparently. He really felt like kicking both their asses these days. Sam had tried to call Castiel and tell him the situation, but he never would answer. As Sam stared at his brother sitting down the table from him, he was tempted to snap a photo to make Cass see...Dean was slumped over his computer with several days worth of scruff, several beer bottles, and some empty chip bags scattered around him. Dean had become increasingly concerned and agitated when Sam told him he'd not received a check in from Castiel in over a week. When a week turned into two weeks, Dean became frantic. He'd been checking the news, missing people, and lastly, obituaries every day. 

They were sitting at the War Room table, Dean already half six pack in, when they finally caught a break. It was Garth.

“Hey Garth, what’s up?” Dean cleared his throat, trying to sound normal through the slight beer buzz.

**_“Hey Dean! You told me to let you know if anything came up about Angels on the hunter network. Got a report of a potential rogue Angel a couple of hours from you two. A few people been found with their eyes burned out, smitey style. Thought you’d want to know…”_ **

Dean rubbed his eyes, concentrating on Garth's words through the haze of tiredness. He'd not been sleeping well and it was starting to show. “Thanks Garth. What hunter’s on it?”

**_“New guy. Description I got from a cop buddy of mine was a middle aged Caucasian male, tanned skin, dark brown hair..dreamy blue eyes. Her words,not mine. Said he had a funny way of talking but was overly polite and friendly, unlike most of the hunters that passed through. Sounds a little like...”_ **

Dean’s heart raced but he kept his voice steady. “Cass. Thanks. Send me the location please. Take care Garth.”

“Sammy, I think we found…” Dean’s phone rang as soon as he hung up and it was Claire. He snatched it up quickly. 

“Claire? What’s up?”

**_“Dean, I just got a call from a hospital about two hours from you guys. I’m the only emergency contact for one Caston Campbell....He’s hurt, Dean. I’m going to head that way as soon as Jody gets off her shift but you’re closer. Go…and tell me how he is when you get there.”_ **

“We’re leaving now. Text me the hospital.” Sam’s eyes shot up and he started packing his computer when Dean spoke.

“Sammy, It’s Cass. Let’s go.”  
\-----------------------------------------  
They made the drive in an hour’s time. Sam had taken to screwing his eyes shut as Dean sped way past the posted limit. He understood his hurry and tried not to make any snide remarks about his driving. He just hunched in his seat and prayed they would get there in one piece. They had donned their Fed suits since they knew hospitals wouldn’t let just anyone visit with new injured patients. Dean was getting in there if he had to start firing off his gun. He parked in the closest spot as they wheeled into the parking lot and all but jumped out of the car. 

Sam put a hand on Dean's shoulder before they walked in through the autmatic doors. “Dean, you’ve got to calm down. They’ll get suspicious if you’re this jumpy.”

Dean huffed in frustration but closed his eyes and took in several slow breaths. “I know. I know. Come on.”

They spoke at the desk to the receptionist, a sweet older woman who seemed more interested in flirting with Sam and Dean then telling them where a patient was. When they said the patient’s name and Dean flashed his badge in annoyance she finally tapped a few keys on her computer and noted the ICU floor and Dean paled noticeably.   
Sam walked calmly toward the elevator and Dean followed behind on autopilot, his shoulders slumped and his heart beating too fast. When they walked onto the floor, it was eerily quiet except for the beep of the machines and the whisper of the air conditioner. Dean shuddered. He hated hospitals. Nothing good was ever going on when he was in a hospital. Even the smell made his stomach turn. It was that smell of disinfectant and sickness. Dying. Could you smell dying? Dean caught himself looking around for Billie the Reaper as he had the thought. Castiel was somewhere in this building of dying smells. Not dying. NOT dying. Sam saw that Dean was fighting some internal battle and walked up to the desk while Dean fought the urge to walk the circle of the ICU, knowing Cass was here. 

Sam smile beautifully at a young brunette nurse. “Hello ma’am. We’re here because we were informed you have a patient by the name of Caston Campbell. I’m Agent Rose. This is Agent Johnson.”

The nurse glanced at his file after looking at the FBI badge Sam handed her. “Why yes, we had a gentleman by that name brought in about four hours ago. It appears he was assaulted and stabbed. All he had on him was a wallet so we called his emergency contact, a Claire Novak. Is he in some kind of trouble?”

Sam shook his head gently. Dean was right at his shoulder listening. “Not at all. His family has been looking for him for some time and when his name came up on the wire, we had to come confirm his whereabouts.”

“Can we see him or not, lady?” Dean barked out, a complete 180 to Sam's polite tone.

The nurse looked taken aback but nodded silently and walked them over to a room a few curtains down. That plain white curtain seemed so ominous to Dean now.“He can’t talk. He’s intubated, sedated, and on a ventilator right now. Somebody was aiming to kill when they stabbed him. It pierced his lung and caused it to collapse. He’s lucky to be alive. If they had stabbed almost anywhere else in either direction, he'd had died on the scene. He must have guardian Angels watching over him.” The nurse said quietly, trying to be comforting. What she didn't expect was the shorter Agent to huff and cross his arms. 

"I seriously doubt that." Dean snapped at the nurse. Sam pulled the curtain back and they stepped into the room with Dean at Sam’s back, trying to breathe normally. The curtain made a hissing sound that caused Dean to shudder, remembering Bobby in a similar room. 

Castiel laid in the hospital bed, his eyes closed and wires coming off of him at every angle. His left hand was connected to an IV poll, his right was connected to the monitors, and the intubation tube was going down his throat. Dean walked over and gripped the bed's arm guards, the metal shaking as he trembled. Sam came up behind Dean and put a hand on his shoulder as they looked down at their friend. 

The nurse was more perceptive than they gave her credit for. “Agents, you appear to know this man….”

“He was one of our own agents before he disappeared. We’ve been trying to find him and bring him home to his family…What is his recovery going to be like?” Sam said quietly, knowing Dean was incapable of speech. Sam could feel a fine tremor running through Dean as he kept his hand on his shoulder.

The nurse accepted their explanation with a nod and flipped through the doctor's notes on his chart. “He appears to be in good health other than his injury, which is beneficial to his healing time. He will have to be weaned off the oxygen and will be on bed rest for some time while he heals. You’re looking at least another week on ICU before he can be transferred to a room if he responds well to weaning off the ventilator.”

“I know ICU rules don’t allow in room visitors but this man is wanted by some dangerous criminals. The FBI is going to need to have an agent in his room at all times. If you need authorization from above us, I can get you that number.” Sam turned and spoke quietly to the nurse, who nodded her head in understanding and turned to get the head nurse and let her know the situation. 

“Dean, he’s going to be okay…” Sam said quietly as he came to stand on the other side of the bed. 

“Call Claire, Sammy. Let her know what’s up. ” Dean said in a whisper as he brushed a lock of hair out of Cass’ closed eyes. Dean drank in Castiel’s face. It was rougher, more angular than it had been six months ago. He was probably eating junk food and not sleeping enough. Probably drinking too much too if he had learned anything from Dean. He sank down in one of the chairs near the bed and pulled it up beside him. He gripped the hand with the IV in it gently and laid his head on the arm rest. It was several minutes later when Sam eased back in the room. 

“The nurse said he’s sedated so he won’t fight the intubation but he was awake when they brought him in. He kept repeating himself according to the ER doctor who saw him.” Sam spoke in a whisper as he sunk onto the bench seat by the window. 

Dean looked up at Sam, who wouldn’t look him in the eyes. “What was he saying?”

Sam sighed and shook his head as he looked between the two hopelessly in love, idiotic men. “He kept saying, “Tell him I’m sorry.”

Dean leaned over and whispered in Cass’ ear. “I’m here, Cass. Everything's fine and you can tell me anything you want me to hear when you wake up. Then we’re all going home. Together. And that's final.”


	7. 192

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean rolled his eyes. “Low blow, Cass. I admit, you did good. However, don’t you think it’s time to stop punishing me and come home…”
> 
> Cass cocked his head to the side in the way he always had. It was as if Sam and Claire weren’t even in the room. “I didn’t leave _just_ to punish you Dean…though I admit as a human I have found myself to be quite vindictive and took pleasure in hurting you, at first…As the weeks wore on, not so much. I just didn’t know how to call you…”
> 
> Dean sat down heavily in the chair next to Cass and gripped his fingers in his own. “Next time, just pick up the damn phone when I call. I must have called you a hundred times."
> 
> Castiel gazed at the ceiling and as if from memory, recited "192, actually...not that I was counting..."

When Claire made it to the hospital several hours later, it was past visiting hours. Sam met her out in the parking lot and they spoke about Cass. Dean sent his love but would not leave Cass' room. Sam gave her a credit card to go get two hotel rooms nearby and assured her he’d call if anything changed before he came to the hotel. Dean wasn’t leaving and Sam knew it. He came back into the room carrying a small duffel with Dean’s toothbrush and necessities without him having to ask. 

“In the morning, you switch off with Claire and get some sleep, you hear me? She’s his emergency contact so they can’t deny her access. She also brought her Fed Suit and credentials.” Dean nodded his consent and bit back a wave of anger that Claire was his contact and not him, but again, Cass knew Claire would call the Winchesters if she got called. He knew that. Dean took comfort in that. 

“Night, Dean…Night, Cass.” Sam walked out and headed to the hotel room. 

The next morning at the 8am visiting hour, Claire came in. She took one look at Dean, almost draped over Cass’ sleep form and she sighed dramatically before plopping down in the chair opposite Dean on the other side of the bed. “I got this. You go get some rest. The nurse said he wouldn’t be taken off sedation until they could assess the damage fully. She said he’d get some tests today and know this evening what they were fully dealing with.”

Dean nodded, but he lingered, hesitating. He drummed his fingers on the side of the bed, his fingers gripping Castiel's wrist. “Dean, if he so much as wiggles his big toe I’ll call you. Please tell me you two are finally a thing…cause this is uncomfortable, even for me.”

Dean shook his head. “We’re not a…it’s not…we…It’s very complicated, Claire.” Dean drug his fingers through his hair and rubbed his eyes tiredly.

Claire sighed and perched herself on his arm rest, resting her chin on her arms as she gave Dean a hard look. “It’s really not. He’s loved you since forever. You love him to a stupid amount. Work it out.” Claire leaned over and gently flicked some hair out of Castiel’s eyes. “You know, I don’t even see my dad’s face when I look at him anymore. He’s just like, someone who kind of looks like him. It’s been so long…He’s just, you know, Castiel now. He just looks...different…as a human. Does that make any sense? His face didn’t change, but I guess I’ve never seen him asleep or really hurt.”

“I know.” Dean came over and kissed Cass’ forehead and ignored Claire’s eyeroll and headed to the hotel to shower.  
\--------------------  
It was three days of Sam, Claire, and Dean alternating time in Cass’ room before the nurse said they were going to start weaning him off the sedation. Dean would only allow himself to be gone for long enough to get four hours of sleep and a shower and then would come relieve whoever was there when he got back. They’d stopped trying to argue with him. The nurses had been overly accommodating to the three because they stayed out of the way and were supposedly all Federal Agents. They questioned the young Novak girls’ Fed status but she had all the paperwork to back up her trainee claims. So it happened that all three were in the room when the sedation finally wore off enough for Castiel’s eyes to flutter open. They were filled with confusion and panic as his hands fluttered at the intubation tube, tugging confusedly at the IV and the monitor wires encumbering him. Dean’s green eyes were the first thing Cass saw as Dean grabbed his hands gently and shook his head no. 

The moment Castiel began to move, Dean was out of his chair and standing over him, his hands hovering like he didn't know where to touch him. “Hey Cass. It’s okay. It’s okay. You got hurt and you have that in to help you breath for a little bit. Calm down. It’s okay.”

Castiel’s eyes locked with Dean’s and he nodded his head slowly in understanding before dragging his eyes around to see Sam and Claire. Claire came up and took his other hand.   
“Hey there. So I’m your emergency contact now too huh?”

Castiel tried to smile but instead squeezed her hand. “I know. I’m glad you did that. Gotta keep an eye on you.”

Sam came and stood behind Dean. “Hey brother, you gave us quite a scare.” He leaned down and spoke softly. “Was it the rogue Angel that attacked you?” Cass nodded at Sam, waiting for the second, inevitable question “Did you take it out?” Again, Cass nodded. “Good job, man. When you can write out where you stashed your bike and gear I can get it to our hotel.” Cass nodded slowly. “I’m going to get the nurse and tell her you’re awake.” Cass gripped Dean’s hand harder than he would have thought he’d have the strength to then, dragging Dean’s eyes back from the retreating form of Sam. Dean turned to look at Cass. They didn’t need words. Cass’ eyes spoke at how sorry he was. Just like that, Castiel’s anger at Dean had been washed away. 

“I know, baby. I’m sorry too. I really, really am.” Dean didn't even realize he'd let the cutesy nickname slip but Claire rolled her eyes and feigned vomiting before squeezing Cass’ hand and walking out of the room to give them a minute. Castiel and Dean spoke without words, as they always had. When Sam and Claire came back with a doctor and nurse in tow, Dean hesitantly drew his hand back and went to stand across the room, his eyes never leaving Cass as he leaned his suit clad body against the wall. 

“Mr. Campbell, I’m Dr. Norris and we’re glad to see you awake. We believe we can start weaning you off the oxygen and remove the intubation in a day or so. Don’t rush it and we should be able to get you home sooner than later. I’m sure you’d like that wouldn’t you?” Castiel nodded as vigorously as he dared, much to the happiness of the three people standing out of the Doctor’s line of sight. Dean winked and jokingly mimicked a kiss when Cass drug his eyes over to him. The Doctor glanced behind her when Cass rolled his eyes in return. “Okay, Mr. Campbell, as soon as the intubation can be removed we will move you to a regular room so all your guests can stay. For now, we need to limit it to one so you don’t get overly tired while you are awake. I’m sure they can talk amongst themselves to decide…..Oh.” Claire and Sam both patted Castiel’s blanket covered feet as they walked out without question, leaving Dean standing in the corner quietly. “Well, you use this button if you need anything. We are going to turn down the oxygen a bit at a time to see if your lungs can handle it. Baby steps.” The Dr. walked out after a brief glance at Dean. 

Dean smirked. “I know I take your breath away but this was a bit drastic, Cass.” Again, another eye roll. “Be careful. You’re going to strain your eyes. Do you, do you want something to write with? We don’t have to talk. We can just sit here. There’s a TV. I’m not going anywhere.”

Cass just pointed to the chair next to his bed and Dean smiled and sat in it, gripping Cass’ hand before turning on the TV. Dean put down the arm rail and tentatively laid his head on Cass’ shoulder as he watched. He tangled his fingers in Castiel's IV hand and Cass leaned over and propped his head on Dean’s. That is how Sam found them both asleep when he came to relieve Dean a few hours later. He pulled out his phone and snapped a photo before trying to nudge Dean awake. Dean grumbled and nuzzled back into Cass’ neck.  
“Leave us ‘lone,” Dean mumbled, much to Sam’s amusement. Well, it wasn’t the way Sam would have picked for them to resolve their issues but he wouldn’t complain. He smirked and sent the photo to Claire.

_**From: Claire Novak: Gross…yet adorable. They’re both idiots, you know that right?** _

_Oh, I know. See you at your shift in four hours._  
\------------------------------------------------  
It was two days later when they removed the intubation tube from Cass and he gasped in relief. Before he could even ask for water, Dean was hovering there at his elbow with a cup and a straw. Castiel swallowed carefully, closing his eyes in relief as it hit his scratchy, dry throat. 

“Thank you….” Cass scratched out, his voice almost exactly like his Angelic voice had been for just a moment. Dean let out a shaky breath as he smiled in relief at the sound of his voice. 

The doctor smiled encouragingly. “Don’t talk too much at first, Mr. Campbell. We’ll get you moved to a regular room this afternoon. If you feel short of breath, you have an oxygen mask nearby and you can page us.”

“Thank you, Doctor. When can I…I eat something?” The Winchesters and Claire all three smirked as Castiel's stomach growled for attention.

“We’ll get you a plate sent up but you need to eat slowly. You will make sure he follows orders?” The Dr. had picked up on the group dynamic by now and had eyes only for Dean.

“I will.” Dean said assuredly.

After the Doctor left, Cass looked to the three people in the corner and smiled through parched lips. “Thank you all for coming. I am sorry I worried you.”

“This is just what happens when hunters go out on their own….You’re not hunting alone anymore, Cass. Claire, if you’re serious about hunting you can join us too, but I’m tired of you two going off on your own to do things. You’re both family and family doesn’t hunt alone.”

“At this point, I feel in no position to argue your point, Dean. Though I did go six months without being injured much...I consider that a pretty good track record, and I didn’t have any supernatural creatures helping _me_.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Low blow, Cass. I admit, you did good. However, don’t you think it’s time to stop punishing me and come home…”

Cass cocked his head to the side in the way he always had. It was as if Sam and Claire weren’t even in the room. “I didn’t leave _just_ to punish you Dean…though I admit as a human I have found myself to be quite vindictive and took pleasure in hurting you, at first…As the weeks wore on, not so much. I just didn’t know how to call you…”

Dean sat down heavily in the chair next to Cass and gripped his fingers in his own. “Next time, just pick up the damn phone when I call. I must have called you a hundred times."

Castiel gazed at the ceiling and as if from memory, recited "192, actually...not that I was counting..." 

Dean tightened his eyes and gave a fake frown. "Asshole."

Castiel shrugged apologetically and smiled sadly at Dean. "Yeah I kinda am...Sorry."

Dean leaned over and kissed Cass' forehead gently. "S'okay, Angel. I am too….Just rest your voice for now."

Cass smiled warmly up at Dean. It was as if the past six months had never happened. That look of utter adoration as Castiel stared at Dean made him look Angelic once again. Then his stomach rumbled, very humanly. "Okay...but can you guys make sure they don't forget my food? I'm starving..."


	8. Let's have a Redo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was several weeks before Cass was cleared to leave the hospital under strict medical instructions. All the nurses fussed over him as Dean wheeled him out to the Impala. “Ladies, Ladies. The man’s taken. Show some dignity,” Dean laughed as he flashed them a toothy smile. 
> 
> One of the regular nurses smiled happily. “You take care of our favorite fella, Agent.”
> 
> Dean got a very serious look on his face, looking down at Cass with adoration. “I plan to.”

Having the ability to talk meant that Dean and Cass could hash everything out if they wanted to, but neither felt the need. Everything that needed to be said had been said without words in the first moments that Cass opened his eyes. Forgiveness was given and promises made that they both would keep this time. No words were exchanged on it. Old wounds didn't have it be opened. Enough words had been said on the subject for a lifetime. They were content to leave it in the past. 

The first night that Castiel got moved to a regular room, Dean would not hear of Sam taking his shift. Now that Cass' room had a shower in it, Dean felt no need to leave. He talked the nurses into letting him help Cass do pretty much everything he could. The nurses would see Dean rolling Castiel down the hall in his wheelchair, pushing along his IV pole. Dean would lean over and whisper to Cass, and the nurses would watch the injured man's eyes alight with laughter and mischief. Dean would wink and flirt with the nurses and Castiel would roll his eyes in mock annoyance. He and Cass had the entire floor of nurses charmed by them both. Castiel was especially endearing with his slightly odd way of talking and his dry sense of humor that sometimes went over the nurse's heads. but he never failed to make Dean laugh. Dean had heard more than one nurse call Cass Angel Eyes, and he grinned as he told Castiel about it one night. Castiel had laughed, only a little sadly, and Dean had kissed his sadness away. The nurses all picked up on the relationship between the two and let them be together as much as possible. They turned a blind eye when Sam or Claire smuggled in takeout and late at night when the nurses came in to check Cass’ vitals they wouldn't disturb the sleeping Dean curled up in the bed with a slumbering Cass. 

It was several weeks before Cass was cleared to leave the hospital under strict medical instructions. All the nurses fussed over him as Dean wheeled him out to the Impala. “Ladies, Ladies. The man’s taken. Show some dignity,” Dean laughed as he flashed them a toothy smile. 

One of the regular nurses smiled happily. “You take care of our favorite fella, Agent.”

Dean got a very serious look on his face, looking down at Cass with adoration. “I plan to.”

Castiel stood out of the chair as soon as they hit the sidewalk and he and Claire spoke quietly off to the side before embracing. Claire got in her car after a promise to join them at the bunker soon for more hunter training. 

Sam and Cass hesitated as they both looked at the passenger seat. Sam rolled his eyes and sighed a long-suffering sigh. “It’s all yours, Cass. Dean won’t keep his eyes on the road if you’re in the backseat.” Dean shrugged his shoulders without arguing. Sam slid in the backseat as Cass eased slowly in, still tender from his injury, and took shotgun and they headed home. 

When they got into the Bunker, they all headed to their rooms to put their things away. Castiel walked into his small room and put his duffel delicately on the bed before spotting a ragged piece of notebook paper. He picked it up and unfolded it as he sat down gingerly on the bed. In Dean’s surprisingly delicate handwriting was written a three word response to his previous letter: ** _I love you_**

When Castiel heard his bedroom door open he turned and Dean was there, leaning against the door frame looking blissfully happy. They were all finally home together.

“Hey there. Sorry about the note. Sam told me it might be good for me to write my feelings down about you when you were gone. I was struggling pretty bad and that’s about as far as I could get….so I left it here. I dunno. Seems silly now.” Dean shrugged as he shuffled from foot to foot. 

“Dean, can we talk?” Cass said quietly as he held the piece of paper in his now trembling hands.

“Of course, Cass…” Dean tried to sound earnest but the tone in Castiel’s voice put a pit of dread in his stomach.

“Come, sit.” Cass patted the bed next to where he was sitting and Dean slowly walked over and sank down into the mattress, tapping his feet and trying not to fidget in nervousness.

“Dean…you have been amazing while I was in the hospital. You took care of me. You stayed by my side and for that I am eternally grateful to you.” Dean nodded but his eyes tightened as he heard a but coming. “but, Dean, I don’t want a relationship like we had before.” 

Dean nodded and let out a ragged breath before trying to get up and leave. Of course. He’d misunderstood Castiel’s actions at the hospital. He’d been freely open with his affection to Dean but he’d almost died and now he must be regretting it. When Dean stood up, Castiel grabbed his wrist tightly, and Dean looked down with tears in his eyes. Cass tilted his head to the side and pulled him back down.

“Dean, no, listen. I want to have everything with you….just not on the premise of the pain we both caused each other. I want to start fresh and I’m okay with saying let’s have a redo…I want to go on dates with you, not base everything we have on two times we had sex that ended with breaking the other person's heart…I want to do this right with you this time, because I don’t plan on leaving your side ever again…”

Dean smiled then, trying to blink back the tears that were trying to fall earlier. He didn’t say anything, jut brought one hand to cup Castiel’s cheek and then brought their foreheads together for a chaste kiss like the ones they’d shared in the hospital. “I’m still gonna make love to you soon….”

“You promise?”


	9. Keeping Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dean…” Cass growled out, involuntarily arching into Dean’s grip. “You know I can’t do anything strenuous for at least two more weeks.” His argument was quickly dying on his lips when Dean started kissing behind his ear and nibbling his earlobe. “Dean, you’re going to put me back in the hospital.”
> 
> “Not if I’m gentle, and I plan to be very slow and gentle with you…today,” Dean whispered in Cass’ ear.

It was one day a week later that Dean and Castiel held good to that promise. Neither wanted to rush in after how their last two times had gone but one evening Sam went out to see a movie and they found themselves utterly alone in the bunker. The doctors had warned Cass not to overexert himself for several more weeks so they had both agreed to be good, but as they laid together on Dean’s bed watching Netflix, Dean’s hands had other plans. Cass was propped up on pillows in his boxers and t-shirt and his hand creeped down to gently grip Cass’ currently soft dick through the fabric, rudely interrupting their binge watching of a show called Parks and Recreation. 

“Dean…” Cass growled out, involuntarily arching into Dean’s grip. “You know I can’t do anything strenuous for at least two more weeks.” His argument was quickly dying on his lips when Dean started kissing behind his ear and nibbling his earlobe. “Dean, you’re going to put me back in the hospital.”

“Not if I’m gentle, and I plan to be very slow and gentle with you…today,” Dean whispered in Cass’ ear. 

Goose bumps raced along Castiel’s arms and he shivered into Dean’s touch. Cass turned on his side and cupped Dean’s face in his hands and kissed him deeply, his tongue snaking into his mouth. They kissed for the longest time, hands slowly roaming over each other’s clothed bodies. Dean’s hand stayed possessively on Castiel’s hip, his fingers sliding under the waist band of his boxers, toying with the soft skin there while Cass had his hands up the back of Dean’s shirt, slowing drawing his short nails down his back. Cass slipped his hands up to slide Dean’s shirt off and he tossed it off the bed and Dean shuddered as he moved down to slide his boxers off him as well. Dean stripped Cass in a similar fashion before reaching into the side table and pulling out his lube.

“Turn on your side, baby. Gonna take this slow and easy with you tonight. You fragile little human you.” Dean smirked as Cass rolled his eyes at him before rolling onto his side, back to Dean.

“Don’t enjoy being the boss too much longer, Dean. I’ve still got thousands of years of knowledge on you…”Cass sighed out as Dean ran his hands down his hips before hooking one of Cass’ legs over his hip and sliding a lubed finger into Castiel’s hot center. 

“You may have thousands of years on me but I’m about to have my dick in you so…..” Dean laughed as he worked his fingers in slowly and gently, loosening Castiel up. 

“You sweet talker you,” Cass groaned as he moaned into his pillow. Dean worked Cass loose until he was sure he wouldn’t hurt him, thenhe took a shaky but controlled breath as he slowly slid his himself into Cass. 

“You gotta tell me if I hurt you at all or you have trouble breathing…” Dean whispered softly as he bottomed out and Cass let out a ragged breath.

Cass nodded his head but couldn’t speak, overcome with the sensation. Dean began moving slowly within him, one hand clutched possessively on Cass’ hip while Cass’ head rested on his other arm. Dean moved gently but at a steady rhythm as he reached around with his hand that was on his hip and started stroking Castiel’s cock along with his gentle thrusts. They were pressed together tightly, sweat beginning to form between the space between them. Dean nipped gently at the muscles of Castiel’s shoulders, letting his tongue soothe the ridges his teeth left in his skin. Castiel groaned loudly as Dean nipped at him, extended his neck in invitation. Dean laughed softly against Cass’ skin and nipped at the exposed skin of his neck before sucking a lovebite onto his neck, claiming him. Sam would make a snide comment about it tomorrow, but he couldn’t care less. Dean grabbed Cass’ leg and hooked it more onto his leg as he lifted his own, making his thrusts deeper. Castiel moaned obscenely and Dean thought it was the most beautiful sound in the world. That gravelly voice in the throes of ecstasy was Heaven to him. He began stroking Castiel in more earnest, just to wring out moan after moan out of his lover.

When Cass started panting a few minutes later, Dean got concerned. “You okay baby?”

Castiel groaned out, “I’m okay…just…just close. Not gonna last much longer…”

Dean placed a kiss on Cass’ shoulder, the closest skin he could reach as he carefully increased the tempo of his thrusts along with his hand. “Me either, Cass. Been too long..” Cass came first with another loud groan, spattering his own chest and the bed with streaks of his release. He shuddered and arched his back into Dean, clenching around him and pushing Dean over as well. A few more thrusts and Dean was spilling himself into the tight depths of his lover. He cried out Castiel’s name like it was something truly holy…They lay together after that, neither willing to move, Dean running his hands gently over Cass’ hips and kissing his back with reverence. Castiel turned his head to kiss Dean’s jaw, his hair damp and clinging to his forehead in sweaty tendrils. 

“I am never letting you leave me ever again.” Dean murmured against Cass’ tanned skin.

“Promise?” Castiel whispered as he sighed contentedly, wrapped in Dean’s arms.


End file.
